The threesome with my lover had been exquisite, and for a while afterward, my Muse and I savored its rich aftertaste while dreaming up more intimate, exsclusive erotic gatherings. I could feel that her soul had shifted since returning to Russia - she was clearly healing from the breakup, already plotting her escape to the Island of Gods. Meanwhile, I was diving deeper into my role as a creative project lead, managing and growing my work with steady focus. As we parted, we promised we’d see each other soon.
“Perhaps we’ll meet in Bali very soon and pick up where we left off, my love,” I predicted.
“I can’t wait for our next creative rendezvous, Catrin.”
We hugged goodbye, knowing that a new chapter of our creative union lay ahead - though neither of us could’ve imagined how completely different that chapter would be.
Six months passed.
During that time, I thrived in the web dev world, grounded myself deeply, rented a stunning villa in the countryside, overlooking a fairytale winter forest, and spent my snowy days in meditations of gratitude to God for this incredible life I was living. Finally, I felt peace. Stable work on a major donation platform for creators. Quiet nights by the fireplace, visited now and then by sweet admirers. A dog. A cat. Long walks in the woods.
“Perhaps we’ll meet in Bali very soon and pick up where we left off, my love,” I predicted.
“I can’t wait for our next creative rendezvous, Catrin.”
We hugged goodbye, knowing that a new chapter of our creative union lay ahead - though neither of us could’ve imagined how completely different that chapter would be.
Six months passed.
During that time, I thrived in the web dev world, grounded myself deeply, rented a stunning villa in the countryside, overlooking a fairytale winter forest, and spent my snowy days in meditations of gratitude to God for this incredible life I was living. Finally, I felt peace. Stable work on a major donation platform for creators. Quiet nights by the fireplace, visited now and then by sweet admirers. A dog. A cat. Long walks in the woods.
What more could a 36-year-old woman possibly wish for?
Still, I found myself asking the Divine every day - what comes next? I knew deep down this was a sacred pause - a time to rest, to gather strength before the real life began. I’ve always known I came here for something more than just an ordinary life. And truly, mine had never been ordinary. But those visions that came to me in meditation stirred something wild inside me. They showed me a new kind of connection with others, a new level of openness, activity, and internal freedom I hadn’t ever reached. I wanted that with my whole being. I started releasing old mental noise and making space in my consciousness for this next stage - the one where my art would finally meet the world.
I longed to write music, to sing, to write books, film, host events - to live freely, untethered to places, people, or possessions. I saw myself as a traveling artist, moving across the world and creating unforgettable experiences - opening doors for people to discover themselves through the language of sensual practices.
“But look at me, and look at the life I’m dreaming about,” I thought skeptically, posing the question to the Higher.
“Say yes - and leave the details to me,” came the quiet, clear reply. “Your only task is to release what you’re still clinging to. Once it’s gone, there will be room for everything your soul desires.”
“I love it when you speak like that, my Lord,” I whispered inwardly. “I surrender to your creative force.”
And I knew exactly what that meant. I’d have to let go of everything still binding me. My cozy, grounded life. My soft leather director’s chair across from the giant screen. My animals. All of it. But this time, I wouldn’t be leaving Russia in the same way as before - not abandoning anyone, not betraying, not escaping. My relationships with family and loved ones had finally settled into something whole - they had accepted me as I am - wild and free-spirited. I no longer owed anything to anyone. No shame, no guilt. And it was precisely those two - shame and guilt - that had kept me from fully living all those years.
So I kept syncing with those future visions, not rushing anything. The house was paid for another six months. No signs from the future just yet. So I sat still, breathed deep, and kept meditating…
Until something nudged me to text my Muse. And, as usual, my “How are you doing, babe?” bloomed into a long, flowing conversation about everything that had happened since our last chapter together.
By then, she had already decided to launch her aesthetic erotica on Fansly - but struggled to stay consistent. I shared my own visions of the future, how it was time for me to start creating again. At that point, I imagined myself more as a performing artist - singing on stage - so I kept pushing myself to write music and, most importantly, finish the tracks. That last part always sent me into a bit of a slump.
“I have a brilliant idea!” I said. “What if we sign a contract - just between us - for our creative projects. One month. We stick to it, fully committed. And at the end, the Universe pays us the amount we write into the agreement. We treat our art like it’s our job - because honestly, that’s always how it works: you do the thing, and the money comes after. And money’s a great motivator, isn’t it?”
“Perfect. I’m in,” she replied.
We wrote out the plan and stuck to it, encouraging each other every step of the way. Every day we traded long voice notes - sharing progress, pushing through resistance, gently holding each other through inner conflict.
And one day, out of nowhere, a game-changing thought popped into my mind:
Why not translate all my novels into English and start filming sensual visuals based on the stories?
I began redesigning my website to house it all. That was the start of my Great Shift. Catrin-ray.com, once home to my international creative agency, transformed within a month into a bookshelf of erotic novels.
I also finally faced my deepest fear - singing in front of someone - and hired a vocal coach. But this woman turned out to be more than that. She became a vocal therapist, drawing out the last knots of childhood trauma in every session.
We crossed the point of no return. I could feel myself being pulled into the spiral of the torus - from present to future - and that always comes with an intense emotional wash.
My Muse and I were moving through this phase hand in hand, holding each other through the hardest parts. Every day, constantly in touch, we dove deeper and deeper into the blocks keeping us from full creative expression. The rawness of showing our sexual selves to the world. Could there be anything more vulnerable? But the erotica we planned to create - it wasn’t the soulless surface-level porn the internet is drowning in. It was art. Rare, sacred. Meant for those who craved depth, who needed a spiritual mirror.
And with my songs, I never wanted to sing pop. I wanted to sing from the very center of my being. I wanted to share the most sacred things. And to do that, I had to be in full union with myself - standing on a rock-solid inner foundation that wouldn’t crumble under the weight of misunderstanding or judgment.
Day by day, we kept going deeper, revealing more and more to each other - the most intimate, the most vulnerable, the most tender parts of ourselves.
At the same time, I was pulled into kundalini energy work. Every morning I sat on my mat, connecting with that ecstatic, purifying, divine current. And then one day - I felt it. A full, undeniable union with God. In that moment, every last speck of insecurity vanished. I felt the Divine within me, guiding everything I did.
Still, I found myself asking the Divine every day - what comes next? I knew deep down this was a sacred pause - a time to rest, to gather strength before the real life began. I’ve always known I came here for something more than just an ordinary life. And truly, mine had never been ordinary. But those visions that came to me in meditation stirred something wild inside me. They showed me a new kind of connection with others, a new level of openness, activity, and internal freedom I hadn’t ever reached. I wanted that with my whole being. I started releasing old mental noise and making space in my consciousness for this next stage - the one where my art would finally meet the world.
I longed to write music, to sing, to write books, film, host events - to live freely, untethered to places, people, or possessions. I saw myself as a traveling artist, moving across the world and creating unforgettable experiences - opening doors for people to discover themselves through the language of sensual practices.
“But look at me, and look at the life I’m dreaming about,” I thought skeptically, posing the question to the Higher.
“Say yes - and leave the details to me,” came the quiet, clear reply. “Your only task is to release what you’re still clinging to. Once it’s gone, there will be room for everything your soul desires.”
“I love it when you speak like that, my Lord,” I whispered inwardly. “I surrender to your creative force.”
And I knew exactly what that meant. I’d have to let go of everything still binding me. My cozy, grounded life. My soft leather director’s chair across from the giant screen. My animals. All of it. But this time, I wouldn’t be leaving Russia in the same way as before - not abandoning anyone, not betraying, not escaping. My relationships with family and loved ones had finally settled into something whole - they had accepted me as I am - wild and free-spirited. I no longer owed anything to anyone. No shame, no guilt. And it was precisely those two - shame and guilt - that had kept me from fully living all those years.
So I kept syncing with those future visions, not rushing anything. The house was paid for another six months. No signs from the future just yet. So I sat still, breathed deep, and kept meditating…
Until something nudged me to text my Muse. And, as usual, my “How are you doing, babe?” bloomed into a long, flowing conversation about everything that had happened since our last chapter together.
By then, she had already decided to launch her aesthetic erotica on Fansly - but struggled to stay consistent. I shared my own visions of the future, how it was time for me to start creating again. At that point, I imagined myself more as a performing artist - singing on stage - so I kept pushing myself to write music and, most importantly, finish the tracks. That last part always sent me into a bit of a slump.
“I have a brilliant idea!” I said. “What if we sign a contract - just between us - for our creative projects. One month. We stick to it, fully committed. And at the end, the Universe pays us the amount we write into the agreement. We treat our art like it’s our job - because honestly, that’s always how it works: you do the thing, and the money comes after. And money’s a great motivator, isn’t it?”
“Perfect. I’m in,” she replied.
We wrote out the plan and stuck to it, encouraging each other every step of the way. Every day we traded long voice notes - sharing progress, pushing through resistance, gently holding each other through inner conflict.
And one day, out of nowhere, a game-changing thought popped into my mind:
Why not translate all my novels into English and start filming sensual visuals based on the stories?
I began redesigning my website to house it all. That was the start of my Great Shift. Catrin-ray.com, once home to my international creative agency, transformed within a month into a bookshelf of erotic novels.
I also finally faced my deepest fear - singing in front of someone - and hired a vocal coach. But this woman turned out to be more than that. She became a vocal therapist, drawing out the last knots of childhood trauma in every session.
We crossed the point of no return. I could feel myself being pulled into the spiral of the torus - from present to future - and that always comes with an intense emotional wash.
My Muse and I were moving through this phase hand in hand, holding each other through the hardest parts. Every day, constantly in touch, we dove deeper and deeper into the blocks keeping us from full creative expression. The rawness of showing our sexual selves to the world. Could there be anything more vulnerable? But the erotica we planned to create - it wasn’t the soulless surface-level porn the internet is drowning in. It was art. Rare, sacred. Meant for those who craved depth, who needed a spiritual mirror.
And with my songs, I never wanted to sing pop. I wanted to sing from the very center of my being. I wanted to share the most sacred things. And to do that, I had to be in full union with myself - standing on a rock-solid inner foundation that wouldn’t crumble under the weight of misunderstanding or judgment.
Day by day, we kept going deeper, revealing more and more to each other - the most intimate, the most vulnerable, the most tender parts of ourselves.
At the same time, I was pulled into kundalini energy work. Every morning I sat on my mat, connecting with that ecstatic, purifying, divine current. And then one day - I felt it. A full, undeniable union with God. In that moment, every last speck of insecurity vanished. I felt the Divine within me, guiding everything I did.
It was in that inspiration that the book God’s Beloved was born - where I began to remember myself as a being from another world, exploring the infinite forms that sexual energy takes in this wild, wondrous realm.
My Muse and I would laugh, saying we must’ve come here from a higher civilization - one where true sexuality is sacred and natural. And that once we met, we’d never part. We’d walk parallel paths until the day came to remember who we were… and merge again, on a new level.
It started as a joke, but that feeling grew between us - calling us into something bigger than friendship. We found ourselves dreaming together - of traveling the world, creating art, supporting each other’s journey…
But something else was in the air. Something unspoken. Almost on the tip of the tongue.
And I found the courage to say it.
“I’d like us to explore something deeper… sensually.”
“Catrin, I’m all in,” my Muse replied, as always, without hesitation.
In that moment - I felt it. The pull. Fierce.. magnetic. I wanted her.
Undeniable.
My Muse and I would laugh, saying we must’ve come here from a higher civilization - one where true sexuality is sacred and natural. And that once we met, we’d never part. We’d walk parallel paths until the day came to remember who we were… and merge again, on a new level.
It started as a joke, but that feeling grew between us - calling us into something bigger than friendship. We found ourselves dreaming together - of traveling the world, creating art, supporting each other’s journey…
But something else was in the air. Something unspoken. Almost on the tip of the tongue.
And I found the courage to say it.
“I’d like us to explore something deeper… sensually.”
“Catrin, I’m all in,” my Muse replied, as always, without hesitation.
In that moment - I felt it. The pull. Fierce.. magnetic. I wanted her.
Undeniable.
to be continued..