The rustle of azure ocean waves, a nose sunburned from midday surfing, an almond milk matcha-latte in a café overlooking rice fields, sunrise yoga on a bamboo terrace, and spontaneous parties under the moon—all the things people call "Balinese freedom" were, alas, out of my reach.
Upon arrival, I shut myself away in the villa with one sole purpose: to finish and launch the course by the new moon. That idea both lifted me up and drained me—time was slipping by relentlessly, and I was drowning in an endless to-do list. It wasn't just the course weighing on me, but a thousand little details, commitments, and chores that stretched my nerves to the breaking point. My body trembled with tension. My mind bounced between bursts of inspiration and total burnout.
I longed to lounge in the sun, sip fresh coconuts, let my body melt into that Balinese bliss; I'd stare at my pool, at the sunset I could greet from the water—but dragged myself back to the laptop to get things done.
From dawn to dusk, with quick snack breaks, I prepped the course for launch. I knew it. I felt it — it would pay off. “Any second now. So soon.” That's what my inner voice whispered—my Higher Self, the one that never lies and always answers if I’m willing to listen.
I trusted it.
And while Bali swayed in its effortless vibe, I sat in the quiet of my villa, giving birth to something greater than a course of intimate feminine practices—I was birthing a new version of myself.
But the new moon crept closer without mercy, and my inner world grew more and more unsteady. The breaking point hit me with a message from a follower: "Behind your super-woman mask, I see a vulnerable girl longing to finally relax and simply be… loved."
That's when the catharsis hit.
I sobbed for hours nonstop, like I'd lost my mind, pacing circles around my room, repeating the same words over and over: “I want to be held. I WANT TO BE HELD. I WANT TO BE HELD!!!”
It was a desperate cry for help — a plea for this endless marathon of doing everything “right” on the way to deserved happiness to finally end.
And my prayers were heard.
New moon. I launch the course.
Inhale — exhale…
A DM pops up:
“Cat, hey! I’ve arrived. Let’s meet!”